What are we going to talk about, then ? about what you want. Journalists say that I am cold and aloof, but I feel neither cold nor aloof, I simply feel natural and I hate discussing my private life. Does it sound extravagant to you ? No, of course. These are astonishing days when everybody should clean his shirt, open his bed or show his feelings in public. I find that awful. Note that I am not discreet out of discipline, I was raised like that. Secret is supposed to ease discretion and happiness, then. Happy, am I somebody happy ? How should I know ? There are moments when I am very happy, moments when i am very unhappy, and very few in-between. In fact, when I am very happy, I get frightened. I have the feeling that unhappiness, or melancholy, is more normal that happiness, joy. When I am happy, I have the feeling that I will have to pay for it later, and even often I pay it in advance. For example, I stopped smoking to make up for a surprise, a happiness that I was not expecting... You find that insane, don't you... As for me, I don't find happiness to be naturel ; and I can assure you that there are a lot of people like me. I know a lot of people who are afraid of happiness, of course they adore it, but they are afraid of it.
You know, I am not crazy about Freud, I am not crazy about the unconscious. However, I believe that Freud is right when he says that everything is happening during childhood. I know, I am convinced, in my case, that there was a shock or some traumatism in my upbringing that gave me this perpetual feeling of guilt that I never could get rid of. This can seem weird but it is like that. I had a hard time living with myself, tame myself, balance myself, and even if I feel a lot less at the mercy of my own moods, I have moments of great depressions as well as great joys, indépendant of my will and my reason, as anybody does, I believe !
Actually, I did not think that you could love life being pessimistic about it. When I say pessimistic about life, I am not referring to the people. I am not pessimistic about human nature, but in fact, this is very easy for me because I am free to choose " my people ". I only seek the contact of those I love. Which are those who are good, faithful, loyal, intelligent, sensitive. I have no desire to be in confrontation with others, to lose my time in fights. I hate power struggles. I have always hated them, let it be in love, friendship or work.
My work, you want us to talk about my work ? Well, let's say that I do a job that I love and that I begin to know it fairly well. In certain cases, I can even give advice to the young directors I am working with. I am very perfectionist. I love the atmosphere of the set. I know the ropes, the tricks of a movie, I know the tensions on a set as much as I know the improvements that can be brought to certain scenes. And if it is possible, or essential, or if it can simply be useful without making trouble, I am trying to help.
For an actress, you know, I consider that the most important thing is the choice of the screenplay. I am very careful about the story and the character I am going to play. I would hate to play a role that I don't feel, that I don't like, or that I don't imagine. On the other hand, I can only dream on realities, or on the characters that I am offered. I never dreamt of being Phedre, Anna Karenina or Madame Bovary. I don't know why, but my imagination can work only from real projects. Theatre, for instance, theatre about which I know it must be fascinating, terrifying and wonderful, theatre would not be possible for me. I would be too much adraid of that crowd, because I am already a little afraid of individuals, to begin with, let them be fans, strollers or journalists. I never now if there are really here out of sympathy or out of some sort of crual curiosity. It is not that I am afraid of what would be said about me in papers : in fact, I say nothing that they could really distort. On the contrary, I am trying to have them speak, those people who come to interview me. I am very much interested in some of them, in what they say when they are a little sensitive. And this is too unfair, after all, it is always the same person who asks the questions, and always the same person that is the center of interest. There is no reason.
My goodness, I even did not offer you a drink, that is terrible, don't you want anything ?... You can't really drink alcohol anymore, that is dreadful ! As for me, from time to time, I love that. I drink two or three whiskies like that, during a week, ten days, fifteen days, it takes away my shyness, it makes me very cheerful. I find everything easy, pleasant, light. I feel self-confident. At last ! But when I say I drink, it is a little exaggerated. I can stop whenever I want to, and there are entire months when I don't drink a drop of alcohol. But there are evenings, you don't know why, thanks to it, you talk, you laugh ourself silly. I don't know how to tell funny stories, I am not what is called a comic but I love to laugh. I have friends with whom we laugh endlessly for stupid things. Like everybody else.
Regarding friendship, I am attached to very few things. I don't care about who they are, or what they do, or their social origin. Their being famous is the least of my worries. I esteem and respect my friends. But I don't allow them to depreciate themselves in my eyes. For example, in your case, people said that you threw money down the drain, and very often for fake friends. They might have been real friends, but I could never have done that. I regret that money brings in power struggles. I like the idea of friendship being based on gratuitousness. If a friend had a problem I would help him but I would fear to unbalance our relationship, to bring in a domination relationship.
Anyway, I don't care about money. It comes in through one door, comes out through another door, so much with it ! Thanks God, I have somebody who takes care of my accounting, of everything, but I am the one responsible and this is killing me ; I am so fed up with taking care of the accounting, of taxes, of things, I find it exhausting for a woman, really dreadful, but it has to be done, so I am doing it. When I am saying that I throw money down the drain, it is not true, what I mean if that I sometimes can't resist some impulses. For example, when I see a very beautiful object, even if it is costly, even if I can't afford it, I completely forget the value of money and I come in and buy it. This appartment is full of objects I bought like that, when I shouldn't have... I agree with you, one should not make trouble for oneself. We have enough trouble coming from outside. And I don't count those I make up myself, thanks to this guilt that I can't push away.
Well, I should not be exaggerating, I seem to speak with anguish but I am very happy in general and I am trying to teach my children the taste of happiness, that is the most important. This, and certain laws, rules of behaviour. For instance, recently, I had relations that I found cold, heavy and phony with my son whom I adore. Well, I decided to stop that waste. We split, he went his way, I went mine, and I think it was necessary, good for one and the other. I can't stand phony situations, truncated frienships, unfaithful loves. I like clear things, especially with kids ; it is so important to teach kids the meaning of reciprocity. There are also men who don't know it, but I avoid them, these ones are too dangerous. I don't like tension in myself. Shooting is very tiring, you know. You are exhausted afterwards, you need calm, rest, tranquillity, solitude ; I never get bored at this solitude chosen by myself. Sometimes I spend hours night and day, doing nothing, lurking, looking out the window, losing my time. I go through some papers, I sometimes read books but not often. I love watching old magazines, looking at pictures from the past, reading old texts. This entertains me a lot.
If I had not be an actress, I don't know at all what I could have done. I think I would have liked to be an antique dealer. I love objects, beautiful objects. I love finding a wood, a style, I love buying antiques.
Politics ? From time to time, I get involved. For example, do you remember Simone Veil's law about abortion ? I had signed a paper stating that I had an illegal abortion. You did it also, I believe. This was a private topic, but an important law. But I don't want to take sides with somebody, it is an exploitation of popularity that I find unhealthy.
I believe there are things from which you don't recover or very badly,
certain deaths for instance, from which you can't be liberated. But
let's talk about something else, there are so many wonderful things
in life. We agree on that. The weather is nice, warm, blue, Paris is
so beautiful... How would I like your article to be written ? I don't
know, why ? What a funny idea, what a funny question ! No, I don't want
to proofread it, I trust you. If you really want, I will proofread it,
it is the way you wish. I don't like annoying people. About this article,
I don't know, I would like it to be a little like a fairy tale, I would
like that there were something magical, optimistic, that reassures me,
that it were like some promise of happiness. Something which, in the
morning when I wake up, gives me self-confidence. Isn't it silly ? It
is very difficult to say that to somebody you don't know, somebody you
just saw a few hours, and who has to imagine, without lying, things
about you. But I think this is the way it is.
| By Françoise Sagan |
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